Thursday, November 15, 2007

Everythings Fine

I remember too vividly the day I went to the Breast Center for my "lump check". It was a day like today, an "Everythings fine" kind of day. I remember eating my lunch and thinking, "Is this the last day of peace I'll ever have?". It was. In a way.

Why am I lamenting about this today and bumming most of you out? Since I got out of bed this morning I heard one radio spot in the car about cancer and its "death" stats, one song that was dedicated to someone's 51 year old aunt who lost her 11 mos battle with cancer, and I've read at least two articles today (not even on breast cancer sites) one in The Rake about a woman's dying husband with cancer who hung on for 15 years and another about a song John Mayer is writing about a buddy's, buddy who's name is Frank that is dying of cancer. Everybody's dying of cancer!

My Grandmother's second husband died of cancer, and I meet cancer survivors every day who will most likely live, but some will die young. Will I be one of those? Even with early stage cancer, no nodes, blah, blah, blah, people die. Two girls from the book, "Nordies at Noon" died - they had early stage cancer like me.

This week's been tough. My hair is growing back and I have my life, but I don't trust that I'll ever keep it - my hair or my life. My shoulder hurts - it's a recurrance. My ribs are sore - it's lung mets. My "bra" feels funny, another tumor. I think about my life before cancer and now. I feel like a fake now, trying to be who I was when I'm not. Not even close. Pretending I'm Ok when I'm not. Not even close. Who am I if not a fake?

I pray to God for guideance. How do I find peace? How do I find him? Will He tell me who I am? Does it matter?

Everything's Fine? Not Really.

Well, the truth hurts. And this is the truth of my mind musings lately. I am not always thinking like this, but this week? It's been tough.

1 comment:

Sue said...

You are going to live to see your kids graduate from college, help raise your grandchildren, retire, travel, and have lots of fun along the way. Lots of struggles too, but then the fun wouldn't be as much fun if you didn't have the struggles to keep things in perspective.

Easy for me to say, huh? Of course I can't begin to understand the position you are in. But I have had experiences that weigh very heavy on the mind and soul, and invade ones thoughts constantly. It's horrible. So I have some empathy and I feel for you in this really tough time. This time of doubt and darkness. I wish I could offer more. Does it help to know that many people care?